Women’s Self-Worth: How Comparison Destroys Confidence
It is a natural act as humans, and especially as women, to compare ourselves to understand our place in society and this world. Comparison gives us a better idea of self-understanding and helps us determine our strengths and weaknesses.
We would be lying to ourselves, if we said that we could live a life void of comparisons as humans. That would require us to be oblivious to all of our fellow humans and even the world. Without some form of comparison, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate what others bring to the table, appreciate their talents and compliment them on their strengths. The act of comparison, in a large way, is a large behavioral part of our humanity.
We are all different people, with different values and convictions, strengths and weaknesses. When we find others that share our commonalities in such a diverse world, we build bonds, develop trust and strong relationships, especially as mothers. During our childbearing years and while rearing kids, we search for our support team and “tribe” that becomes our village when navigating the crazy journey of parenting, as we become eternally grateful for those who can lend a hand or an open heart.
Through the act of comparison, we are able to gain an extra sense of self-awareness, as we’re able to understand our place in the world and teach this to our children. We learn to grow in our own self-reliance and confidence as we become aware of our similarities and differences as compared to others. Through this knowledge, we can become better leaders in our communities, teachers, parents and friends.
Of course, this is the positive side of what can come from comparing ourselves to others…
As much as making comparisons can help us reduce uncertainties and perhaps help us get to know ourselves better, there are major downsides to the act of comparison. One of the greatest downsides is how destructive it can be for our confidence.
This is where the act of comparing ourselves, especially as women and mothers, can be incredibly damaging and has to be approached with extreme caution. We have to ask ourselves, “At what point does this behavior switch from being helpful to hindering?”
What happens when we are constantly comparing, is that as much as we gained insight into ourselves by doing it, there’s a point in which we actually lose ourselves by doing it. It becomes a double-edged sword.
I’ve seen this happen time after time in the fitness world. Women compare and become inspired by other women who are successfully achieving their fitness goals. They want to learn more about themselves, as they too, want to reach their goals. They begin to do the hard work and start seeing results. However, this is where comparison might split us into two camps at this stage:
Camp 1
The women that struggle to maintain their consistency and discipline with their fitness, will eventually fail to reach their goals. Comparison begins to destroy their confidence, because instead of looking at their weaknesses with their consistency and learning to just “stay the course” with their fitness efforts, they give up and start comparing themselves to other women, convincing themselves that the women achieving their goals are somehow different than they are. They often start believing that they may have a better metabolism than they do, better genes or just overall luckier than them, when it comes to their fitness outcomes.
In lieu of looking internally to fix the weaknesses they may have within themselves in this camp, the act of comparison steals their opportunity away and gives them the easy way out to blame it on something that they feel is out of their control. You see, by comparing, they don’t have to do the internal work they need to, in order to strengthen themselves in the areas they need to. Therefore, by staying weak and full of blame, they aren’t allowing themselves to grow in their self-awareness which affects their self-confidence.
Camp 2
The women in this camp are the ones that are disciplined and consistent. They end up reaping the most from their efforts, and many reach their fitness goals over time. However, if the act of comparison continues beyond the simple jumpstart to their self-improvement, it can continue to be a hindrance on their confidence, as they will begin to dwell on the fact that someone is always having better results than they are. They begin to never feel good enough, as they as are so hyper-focused on the things that they feel others possess that they do not. They get caught up in the viscous cycle of always trying to be better, that they fail to realize the amazing improvements they’ve made in their own journey.
In the case of this camp, the act of comparison stole the ability of these women to recognize their own growth and development, therefore, stunting their self-confidence. The unfortunate thing about the women in this group, is that they made results and inspired others, only to feel a lack of worth because they weren’t measuring up to the comparisons they benchmarked against themselves. Therefore, despite their growth, they didn’t allow themselves to see or appreciate it, which directly affected their self-confidence.
So, how do we catch ourselves in this act of comparison before it goes from a natural act to one that is destructive?
It may sound cliche, but this is where we need to focus our efforts on practicing GRATITUDE as Moms. We need to get used to thinking about the things we’re grateful for every day, so we don’t get caught in the destructive act of comparison. We can do this by picking a couple things every day we are grateful for, and focusing on those things throughout the day. Through our practice of gratitude, we can then learn to REFRAME comparison as motivation in lieu of it being a discouragement to us as Moms.
Additionally we can learn to be mindful of our thoughts. We have so many things on our minds as Moms, that we can often let our minds drift away if we don’t regain focus on them. Through this process, we can learn to control them and possibly remove any triggers that keep them from going in an unhealthy direction.
A common trigger for many Moms can be social media. We tend to think everyone is accomplishing things other than ourselves, when we scroll and click, not taking the time to remember that we only post the highlights of our lives.
Another common trigger for many Moms that struggle with balancing the act of comparison, are actually other Moms that struggle with the same thing. Being around other Moms that struggle with finding this balance, can actually be very dysfunctional and destructive. These Moms are often psychologically looking for other Moms to join in their unproductive behaviors to justify their social juxtapositions. They may say or support behaviors that validate their insecurities.
Finding a healthy balance when it comes to the act of comparison is a process that requires mindfulness, especially if you’re a Mom that struggles with doing this. The important thing when making sure it doesn’t go in an unhealthy direction and steal your confidence, or others, is to make sure that you’re being self-aware. Self-awareness is the key to making sure that comparing yourself to others is done in a healthy way.
Self-awareness is the key to making sure that comparing yourself to others is done in a healthy way.
For example, when we are observing others, are we using these observations to understand them better, or are we using them to tear ourselves down? Are we genuinely happy or excited when someone posts an achievement or are we deep-down jealous or envious that they posted a highlight of their life?
Oftentimes, when we ask ourselves these simple questions, we can understand whether or not our comparative acts are being practiced in an unproductive way. When we do this, we can course-correct if needed, allowing us to practice gratitude in order to find the balance with any unhealthy patterns and/or reframe the way we are approaching comparisons in general.
Finding a healthy balance with the act of comparison, can often require a lot of self-monitoring for many of us. However, it is possible that by being more mindful of our actions and behaviors, we can learn to compare ourselves in a healthy manner. We need to remember that if we don’t find this balance, our confidence is at risk.
